Tales from the Crypt: Staired in Horror

"Staired in Horror" is the ninth episode of season six of the horror anthology series Tales from the Crypt, and the seventy-fourth episode of the series overall. The episode was directed by Stephen Hopkins with a script written by Colman deKay and Teller. It first aired on HBO on Wednesday, December 14th, 1994.

Synopsis
A man named Clyde is a criminal on the run from the law. While fleeing from a Sheriff, some deputies and some hunting dogs, he staggers through the swamps until he reaches an old plantation house. He begs the elderly owner, Lillian, to let him in, claiming that the sheriff is only after him because he was caught having an affair with his daughter. Lillian lets him inside and closes the door. The sheriff comes knocking and communicates with Lillian through the viewer hole in the door. He warns her that Clyde is wanted for murder, but Lillian tells him that she has not seen any such person.

After the sheriff leaves, the old woman shows Clyde some hospitality and makes him a drink. Clyde's previous gratitude disappears and he proves himself to be exactly the kind of lowlife that the sheriff warned her about. Responding to a rude comment about her age, Lillian states matter-of-factly that "everybody gets old. That's just the way it is". Clyde responds that he would put a bullet in his head before he ever became as old as she.

Lillian ignores the taunts, and tells Clyde that he can stay in the house. However, he must remain downstairs, while Lillian ascends the steps upstairs. Moments later, a shadowy figure emerges the upstairs room. Clyde cannot see her very well, but it appears to be a younger, more attractive version of Lillian.

Lillian indicates that she has been around since the Civil War, and that she once had an affair with a younger, more dashing man. When her husband came home, he discovered this and killed the suitor. He cursed Lillian, stating that no young man should ever again ascend these stairs to see her. As such, when Clyde begins to climb the stairs, he starts to grow old. Lillian will only grow younger if she comes down the stairs. They find that perfect spot midway, where they are both of a youthful age, and decide that they can be together forever right there on the steps. The sheriff returns and begins shouting through the door, convinced that the criminal is loose somewhere in the house. Lillian tells Clyde to go to the top of the steps, while she attends to the sheriff. She opens the door and the sheriff tells her that his dog, Gator, won't stop sniffing around the house, and wants to have a look around. Clyde, now aged, looks down from the upstairs landing. The dog begins to ascend the steps, but begins to age, so it backs down and runs out of the house. The sheriff is convinced that Gator has now lost the scent and leaves.

After Lillian shuts the door, she turns and finds that Clyde has continued his ascent into the attic of the house. She hurriedly rushes upstairs, growing younger with each step. In the attic, Clyde is aged to the point of near-death, and can barely move. The door creaks open, and a baby crawls inside. It is Lillian, who is now de-aged to the point of infancy and can no longer help him.

Notes & Trivia

 * This episode is included on disc two of the Tales from the Crypt: The Complete Sixth Season DVD collection. The collection was produced by HBO Studios and released in Region 1 format on July 24th, 2007.


 * Theme music for this series was provided by Danny Elfman.


 * Gilbert Adler directed the sequences with the Crypt Keeper.


 * Writer Raymond Joseph Teller is credited as just Teller in this episode. He is better known as the silent half of the comedy-sketch duo Penn & Teller.


 * This is the third and final episode of Tales from the Crypt directed by Stephen Hopkins. He previously directed the season four episode, "Beauty Rest".


 * This is the first episode of Tales from the Crypt written by Colman deKay. He writes four episodes of the series in total. His next episode is "In the Groove".


 * This is the only episode of Tales from the Crypt written by Teller.


 * The Crypt Keeper provides a verbal epilogue to the story, indicating that Clyde eventually crawled his way downstairs and waited for Lillian to age enough so that she could descend the steps on her own so they could be together for all eternity.


 * The setting of this episode is unrevealed. However, Clyde displays a Cajun accent, implying that the events take place in Louisiana.


 * The name of the Sheriff's German Shepherd K9-unit is Gator.


 * Actor R. Lee Ermey had already made a name for himself with the 1989 war film Full Metal Jacket by director Stanley Kubrick. However, this is not the only time that he will wear the wide-brimmed hat of a Southern sheriff. He will play a fake sheriff named Charlie Hewitt, aka Sheriff Hoyt in the 2003 remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and its 2006 prequel, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning.


 * Actor D.B. Sweeney will go on to play the character of Terry Fitzgerald in the 1997 comic book film adaptation of Spawn.


 * This is actress Rachel Ticotin's first work in the horror genre. She will go on to play a woman named Merina in the 1990 sci-fi/action film Total Recall, and a character named Rosa Martinez in the 2008 American remake of the Japanese horror movie The Eye.

Allusions

 * This episode adapts the story "Staired... in Horror!", originally published in February-March, 1952 in The Vault of Horror #23. The season three episode, "Dead Wait", is also adapted from a tale in that issue.


 * The Sheriff tells Lillian that Clyde beat up and murdered a man named Chappie Hardy at a nearby Circle K. Circle K is a chain of convenience stores usually found in the southern, western, southwestern, and midwestern parts of the United States. They are the second largest convenience store chain behind 7-11.

Quotes

 * The Crypt Keeper: When I think of you, my heart goes flopsy, as I contemplate your sweet autopsy.Your skin is green and blue...whateva. Would I do without my fine cadaver. The love in which I know I'll fall... starts with the unkindest cut of all.

....
 * The Crypt Keeper: My next poem is a little ex-stair-imental number I've been working on. I hope you like it. It's about a real ghoul dude named Clyde, whose about to try a little die-ku of his own in a vile verse I call "Staired in Horror".

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 * The Crypt Keeper: Poor Clyde. I guess that's one 12-step program he could've done without. Still, you'll be happy to know,kiddies, that our story has a happy ending. Clyde did manage after a couple of years to crawl a little way down the stairs where he waited for Lily while she gruesome.

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 * The Crypt Keeper: You know what they say, Age before booty!

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 * Lillian: You know Clyde, everybody gets old. It's just the way it is.